Missing Pages
by Totally Anime
Summary: There are blanks in Roxas's memories and the only who knows them is Axel, and he holds them all in his hand, every last unspoken, important page. Akuroku yaoi
1. Day 0: Ice Cream Blues

**Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts.**

**Missing Pages  
**

**Chapter 1: Day 0 - Ice Cream Blues**

Karma. It's a bitch. I'll tell it to ya now. And it _loves_ Saix, but clearly hates me. I blame it all on this one particular afternoon where I dropped by Twilight Town and strolled around, discreetly of course, just to waste some time before I had to see his condescending face again. You know that face, right? That I've-got-a-lower-number-than-you-so-listen-to-me face. I never understood that. Why the lower numbers were the elites and why those 6 and... up were the lackeys. I guess that's just how hierarchies work.

In my opinion, a lower number just means a lower amount of work. I mean, no disrespect or anything, but, what exactly _does_ the Superior do all the time? Y'know, other than sit around in the Round Room waiting to get it on with Saix? Oh come on, it's not like none of us have ever accidentally poofed in there while they were... Well, y'know... playing... scrabble...

But anyway, that's off topic. I was talking about that afternoon in Twilight Town.

So, there I was, sitting on this clock tower, eating up some damn good ice cream when all of a sudden, I noticed just how _blue_ my ice cream was. It was blue, salty and it reminded me of Saix. Yeah, talk about losing my appetite. Now don't get to thinking that I threw it away. I didn't. At least, not right away. For the longest time, I was just staring at that ice cream, staring like it'd magically turn into a frozen Saix treat for me to bite _its_ head off, though mine would be literal compared to Saix's metaphorical.

Alas, that didn't happen. My staring only, and I'm assuming here, added onto its already melting process beneath the setting sun. Maybe it was because it was melting that I felt like I had to do it. I guess I was thinking that once all that blue dripped off that stick and hit the ground 200 feet below me, I'd lose my chance. Then all at once, I just started _ranting_. You have not heard someone rant until you heard me that afternoon. It was just so _long_ and winding that even I wasn't sure when I was going to stop.

I went on and on about how I hated always getting these missions pushed on me. I hated how we weren't the same anymore. I hated how his hair was so _blue_ and how this dripping mess of "ice cream" reminded me so much of how blue _his hair_ was. Gosh, I just started nitpicking at every little thing I _could_ nitpick about. I picked and poked and threw into the air every detail about Saix that irritated me in this life and the last, if my memory served me correctly, which I'm rather sure it did, since it's the only thing I can hold on to now anyway.

I'm pretty sure I went on for a good 20 minutes _at least_. By the end of it all, my throat was dry, I was feeling my voice crack a bit at the end and my ice cream was halfway gone from all the hot air I was billowing out. Trust me, I bet some people could _see_ the fire that was coming out of my mouth from town. That's just how insane I got.

Once I had everything out, I heaved a big sigh, looked at the ice cream, saw Saix's hair again and threw the damn thing into town like a flaming blue fireball with a stick center. I swear I hit some passerby with it, but not like I really cared at the time to really pay attention. Then, I went home. Well, that residence where all us different Nobodies reside. I don't really want to call it home per se, because from what I can remember, home was never cold and grey- and I'm not referring to the walls here- but warm and happy. It didn't feel like a home. It didn't feel like anything special at all. Just some tall building. Amongst other tall buildings. Only difference was that from time to time, lights would go on or off whereas those other buildings kept their flickering neon lights on 24/7 rain or... well, it was always raining. That and nighttime.

For who though? I'm not really sure. Maybe for those heartless roaming around, but they're born in darkness so the light doesn't really matter to them. Maybe for us? Hell, we poof in and out of the damn building. Don't know why we'd ever need lights on the streets. Even then, it's not like we're afraid of the dark.

Heh, maybe we'll have visitors.

"Axel."

I remember all this pretty well because, again, memories are all a Nobody like me has. So I committed it to memory, well, everything from this day forward. The days before this were kinda hazy, but those were human memories and are always hazy.

"Oh come on! I just get back and the first thing I get is another mission? Aren't you just a party-pooper?" I joked as I watched Saix approach me with his clipboard and pen. From the look he gave me, I knew that I had overstepped that whole "lower number means superiority" thing. Figured I'd play it his way and appease him by bringing up the mission again. "So what is it?" I asked. "Lay it on me," I said.

He wasn't too amused with my comedic stylings, but hey, the only ones that ever found me funny were that ditz Demyx and that sadist Larxene. He just gave his clipboard another glance and told me some advice. Well, I consider it advice because I'm not sure what else to call it. Maybe it was a warning? That if I screwed up, I'd get the boot or something of the sort? I could never really tell with Saix.

He said, "We'll be getting another member tomorrow, Axel." I already didn't like where this was going, but I let him continue. "You'll be in charge of him. This is straight from Superior." Now why anybody believed I would make a good babysitter probably had something wrong in the head.

See, in my memory, I remember taking care of this bird thing. A chocobo I think it was. Okay, well, someone asked me to watch it for a couple of days while they went on a trip to some place called Midgar. Being that awesome person that I was back then, I accepted the favor and took in that chubby, feathery thing. Now, I had not the slightest idea what to do with the thing. And I tried my absolute best, I swear to you I did, and that bird _lived_, I tell you, it lived... just long enough to see its owner come home. Once my front door opened and its owner came strolling in to pick up his pet, it was already halfway down the road to pet heaven. R.I.P. Poor thing never stood a chance, really.

Back to Saix. He was still saying, "Don't mess this up Axel. He's different from us and he needs to be watched." Here, I remember his eyes narrowing dangerously. "Be careful with him." Hm... maybe I'm not the only one who remembered the chocobo incident.

Whatever the case, I shrugged it off and nodded my head in that nonchalant way I seem to do constantly whenever a mission is handed to me on a silver platter... or clipboard. Same difference. Neither are very appealing.

"Sure, sure. I'll do it."

"Pick him up tomorrow."

Pick him up? That was new. Well, I guess it _would_ be new since all 12 members were all just _there_ from what I can remember. No one ever really dropped by and said, "Hey, can I join your little band of misfits and nobodies?" No pun intended there, but still. Point proven.

I guess my face had given it away because then he added, "He'll be in Twilight Town. You can't miss him."

Now do you see what I mean? Karma. I badmouth Saix for what? 20 minutes, give or take, and then he comes right back into my face, smacks it around a bit and then SLAP, right on the center with a big, though kinda cute, blond bundle of zombie with extra zombie. Maybe I should have been thankful. Who knows? It wasn't my cup of tea though. Especially not those first few days.

Do you know something? After talking to him a year later, I realize that those few days that I remember... no, that I _cherished_, if I may be so bold, were the ones that he had no recollection of. See, he told me that he started remembering around the seventh day. She showed up around that time, and he says that she was the first thing he really truly remembered or when he started to remember. I guess I should feel hurt, insulted, or some kind of negative feeling because of that, but alas, I have no heart and renders me, generally, unfeeling. And somewhat empty, but that goes for us all, doesn't it?

It also made sense though, that. Him not remembering that is. They were his first days. Our first days. And he was different, in all meanings of the word, just like Saix had said. But you know what _really_ made him different to me? What made him different to this empty, lonely, Nobody me? Call it cheesy, call it sappy, but don't you dare ever call it lie.

He made me feel... like I _had _a heart, y'know?

**MISSION COMPLETE.**

**TA: Whoo! My first non-AU chapter fic! I hope Axel's in character. I really, really **_**really **_**hope he is. o.o So, tell me how I'm doing! Sooo this was a prologue of sorts. Y'know, one of those "let's get to know each other" chapters. :)**


	2. Day 1: Roxas

**Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts.**

**Missing Pages**

**Chapter 2: Day 1 - Roxas**

Saix was right. Saix is always right. Well, maybe not always, but he's got a knack for constantly getting things right and rubbing it in my face. What happened was this... That very next day, I dropped by Twilight Town again, but this time not just to stall before going back. This time, I was picking up our new member. Man, was that endearing! I swear I spent a good hour or so wandering around the shadows trying to spot that boy!

It was already sunset and the street lamps were starting to take effect in preparation for the oncoming night, but I was still empty-handed. I tried Tram Common, Central Plaza, even the mansion up past the forest for Pete's sake and _still_ nothing! I was thinking that maybe we just kept passing each other, that maybe, by some sort of unbelievable twist of fate, we just kept passing each other in parallel streets hidden by obscuring buildings. That was my excuse for not being able to find him, because my skills as a tracker are _a-mazing_. Just trust me on this. They are.

So, taking a well deserved break, I went on up one of those building tops. Stood there a bit catching my breath, and then there he was. Wandering without a purpose, hardly stimulated by anything around him and still continued walking aimlessly throughout the town.

Saix was right. Had I started up there from the beginning, he'd have stuck out like a sore thumb. He just stood out like a black sheep in a flock of white, a mule in a herd of horses, a cub in a den of lions. He was just... _different_.

Keeping my eyes fixed on that floating bubble of blond and checkered accessories, I flitted down from that building and took long, graceful strides toward the boy, placing my hand on his shoulder when I neared him. If I could explain to you how he looked at me, I think I'd never finish. He was just blank, empty inside. He didn't focus on my face, he didn't really _see_ anything. He just kinda stared, eyes wide and... sorry if I'm repetitious, but they were just _empty_. I cannot emphasize how empty they were. They just stared on and on without ever really taking note of anything. It was like he was spaced out, except it lasted so long, that it was clearly more than just "spacing out," it was all-out... zombie-ish.

And then I said his name for the first time, and maybe it was the way I said it, but he just stared at me like I was some alien from three thousand light-years away threatening to inhabit his body with my parasitic tendencies. Well, that might be too descriptive for him, especially during those first few days. He didn't really show emotion. He just stared at me with that same expression and nodded hesitantly, as if he wasn't sure that was his name.

So I shrugged it off and wondered what I could do for the kid. Y'know, see if I could knock some feeling into him. That's not to say that I was going to literally smack him around, though I certainly did want to at times when all he said was "yes" all monotonous like and called me "access." No, instead I brought him up to that old clock tower that overlooks all of Twilight Town. Now don't get to thinking that I wasn't afraid. Hell, I was afraid to take my eyes off the kid once we reached the top, fearing that he might just topple off the edge at any moment. That would _not_ be pretty. Not for him, not for anyone who saw that tragedy and more importantly, not for _me_. Saix would toss _me_ down that clock tower if I told him the kid had committed suicide on his first day.

Thankfully, that didn't happen.

The kid at least had enough sense to keep his balance and watch his step, but of course, I didn't want an untimely demise so I hung onto him, secretly for sure. Thank God his clothes were baggy and loose, otherwise I'd have been too embarrassed to do it, but as we sat next to each other on that near dark moment, I kept a steady hand latched onto one of the ruffles on the back of his hoodie. If he could think properly, he might've thought I was trying to hit on him, what with the way I sat so close to him. I mean, come on, I didn't want him to know that I was holding on to him like a scared mother. I have too much pride for that, man!

So with one hand on the kid and the other holding onto that Saix- sea salt ice cream, we watched what few seconds the sun had left before it disappeared. It was the first of many moments up there, but I remember this first one best. This one and our last one are the only ones that really stuck out to me. Everything else just sort of blended together, a blur of sorts.

And he said to me, which was probably his first full, though somewhat poor, sentence, "It's really salty... but sweet, too." Leave it to a bar of sugary goodness to wake a person up, right? Well, I couldn't tell you if he liked it or not that first trial. He just kept on eating _blankly_, if I may repeat once more. I didn't say anything more to him and neither did he.

Now, call it cheesy or whatever, but if I was going to get stuck with the kid, I might as well be on good terms with him, right? Right. So once the ice cream had disappeared and all we had left were sticks, I put the stick down beside me and held out my hand, properly introducing myself.

"Hey, I'm Axel, No. VIII and your personal babysitter."

The kid nervously grabbed onto my hand with this look on his face like, "am I supposed to do this?" And this continued on for a while. This awkwardness, but that's to be told later. Once he had a good hold on my hand, I shook it delightedly and gave him a grin.

"Welcome to the Organization, Roxas."

He blinked a couple of times, processing my statement in that hollow little brain of his and then mumbled a small, "Thank... you...? Ax-... Ax-..."

"-el." I finished for him with a laugh. I guess you could call that a "moment" or some picture perfect instance, but there aren't any words to describe that feeling. Maybe we both knew at that moment or maybe I'm just adding in these extra thoughts now that I look back at it, but that doesn't change the fact that we had decided on something. A mutual understanding between the two of us.

I remember a word, two words actually, that this moment reminded me of. I used them both on Saix once, but the only connection those words have to me and him now are memories. At that moment, I remembered these words clear as day, as crystals, as little droplets of water, and they rang around in my head that whole day and all night. Every moment more I spent with him, the clearer and more distinct these words became to me.

They were: _partner_ and _friend_.

Next thing that I remember was thinking... Karma is a bitch and it _loves_ Saix.

"...You're kidding, right?" I asked, acting as if I'd received the most horrific news any man could hear. Something like, "Axel, I'm sorry to tell you that the world is going to implode in less than three hours and you're going to die a virgin and the only possible partners for you at the moment are Larxene, Vexen or me, Saix," would have sounded a lot more appealing at that exact moment. Of course, I think back at it now and all I can muster up is... How could that possibility be any better than _that?_ I think back at it now and wonder... Was there really anything that could have been better than that? I mean... It was _that_. "Surely someone _else_ can do that, right? How 'bout Larxene? At least she's a woman! ...Or at least the only one of us that comes close to it."

"She's out on a mission." Saix responded coolly, not even flinching at my blanched face. "Besides, he's your responsibility, so you have to do it."

"Sa-"

"Axel."

Now, I'm not a wimp or anything, oh no. It's just that... When Saix gives you that _look_, it's just like getting _The Look_ from your parents. Where you feel like squirming under their intense glare, those narrowed eyes and wish that you were anywhere else or anybody else at that moment. Saix was very good with this look. It made even the most unruly of kids cower in their seats and shut their mouths. Maybe, if fate had taken a different turn, he'd have been a teacher. ..._Maybe._

I sighed at this and lowered my head in defeat. I breathed out a not too thrilled, "Yeah, okay. I got it," and headed off to the kid's room.

"Yo, Roxas," I called as I swung myself into his room, "it's uhm... just... just come with me." See, now, I had no idea what to tell the kid. Really, I didn't. I'm a carefree guy and I go with the flow. I get along _great_ with people, it's just that... I couldn't exactly show Roxas to the bathroom and order him, "now strip for me." That just didn't look right in my opinion.

The kid followed me silently, not once questioning our destination or our business to whatever it was that we were going. He just kept on trudging after me, literally following in my footsteps. Then... we reached the bathroom.

He stared at me. I stared back.

Again, I had no idea what to say. Not at all. I was just hoping that by some _miracle_, he'd regain all his memories before I had to show him the ropes to do it again. And I mumbled stupidly, "So, uhm... why don't you uh... come on in?" Without once even wondering as to what exactly we were going to do in the bathroom, he strolled right in, oblivious to any sort of motive I might have had. Though I didn't, I'll say it now. The first moment he walked in there, all I wanted to do was get it done and over with. Nothing more, nothing less. I just wanted to get the deed done.

"Do you want it hot?" I asked him, leaning against the tub.

Here he cocked his head to the side, a thought _possibly_ going through that empty head of his, and nodded.

"Right. Hot." I muttered, turning on the flow of water into the tub, feeling the most awkward I'd have ever felt in either of my lives. Well, except maybe that one instance I walked in on this couple trying to get it on in the bathroom of a McDonald's, but that didn't last long, thankfully. I mean, seriously, they could have locked the door... _Anyway_, back to the kid. "So... you uh, just going to stand there?"

Then his eyebrows furrowed, probably thinking some half-assed thought like, "you want me to get into _that_ like _this_ with you _here?"_

Yeah, well, I forgot to ask. Even if I asked, I don't think he'd have remembered. Seventh day, remember? Fucking seventh day...

"Kid, just uh," Again, I really had _no idea_ how to put it to him, "look, can you just take your clothes off so I can get this over with?"

From the way the kid looked at me, he looked like I was about to rape the poor guy, which didn't really sound all that appealing at the time since all he could say was "yes" and "no" and "ax-." Great vocabulary, right?

Then he backed himself up, as if he wanted to phase right through the wall, his eyes wide and kind of scared like an abused animal. And I felt guilty for that. Hah, yeah, I _felt_ guilty. Seems kind of weird coming from me, though, I'll admit, but I have to tell you that it's the truth. If I had a heart, it'd have broken, but considering the fact that I don't... I just continued with my stupid little ramblings that really did make it seem like I was going to rape him.

"Look, you're my responsibility so we've got to get this over with, okay?" I said, turning off the streaming water and approaching him. "Once it's over, you'll feel good, I promise." Yeah, that's so not a rapist comment. "Please, Roxas? Just... just let me do this." Again, so _not_ a _rapist_ comment.

The kid looked like he literally, visibly gulped once I had finished rambling. Quickly, he glanced at the doorway, which was just a little bit past me, then back at me. I knew what he was thinking. It didn't take a genius to figure it out, so when that kid dashed for that door, I threw myself onto him, slamming the both of us into the wall beside the door. I locked him into place then, my hands on either of his wrists and my legs pushing against his to keep him still.

Now I _know_ my hair's red. I _know_ I deal with fire. But that does _not_ mean that every little thing I do is meant to be perverted. And I didn't at first. Not that initial position, but that's not to say _Roxas_ didn't think so. Even in that dazed out state he was in, he at least had some recollection of what embarrassment was like and he showed it. He showed it on his face as clear as the blue in his eyes.

"What... Why are you so red?" I asked, still keeping him in place, but my head tilted in a questioning position. "I mean, it's just a bath."

Then his face got even redder, man, just _redder_. I thought steam was going to come out from the top of his head soon if he didn't cool it.

"B-Bath?" He asked, eyes wide with something close to shock and a tinge of disappointment.

"Yeah, a bath. So take off your clothes so you can get clean." I sighed as I pulled myself off him, unzipping my cloak as I did so. "Well? What're you just standing there for?" I was halfway through undressing when I caught him watching me, not weird-like or anything, just like... staring.

Then he said, "Out."

"Sorry?"

"Get out."

I walked over to him, to that same place on the wall where, resuming that overbearing position I forced upon him moments ago, only this time, I was shirtless. I braced my arms on either side of his head, brought my face close to his and smirked. Why? Well, I don't know. His face was red, his eyes were glued to my unbuttoned pants and he trembled terribly once I got close to him. How can you _not_ smirk at that?

"Tough luck, kid. I've gotta make sure that you don't drown during your bath, so I'm staying." I told him, bringing my lips to his ears. "Now you've gotta decide where you want me. Out of the tub, where I can watch you play, or _in _it, where I can play with you."

Was that too bold of me? Maaayybbeee. Just maybe. See, I knew his answer. He knew his answer, but clearly his _mouth _didn't know the answer.

"O-Out." He mumbled, his voice high pitched and came out somewhat like a squeak.

I looked into those blue orbs of his momentarily, licking my lips in indecision. After a long day's work, I _really_ wanted a bath, but I couldn't very well do that if I had to watch the kid. I knew there was no chance in hell anybody was going to be a good samaritan and look after him for me while I took a bath, so, I gave him a warning.

"See, the problem with that is," I pressed my lips together in a thin line and looked Roxas in the eye real good, "once you're done, it'll be my turn, and since I can't let you out of my sights, you're going to have to stay in here." His face looked horrific, man. Like he'd just gone and died on me right then and there. "And watch me..." And I let this sink into his thoughts for a moment, "_bathe_."

He gulped again. He blinked a couple more times. He had no idea what to make of it.

"You alright with that? Hm?" Ohhh, I do love to be a tease.

"...Y-Yeah."

I bet you're thinking, "So what happened? Did you guys... y'know? _Play?"_ To answer your question, no. No, we didn't. I gave him a bubble bath, a rubber duckie and sat in the corner, face to the wall, only because I didn't want the guy to die from all the heat _he_ was adding into the water. He got out, I gave him his new set of clothes and jumped in myself while he took his turn competing in a staring contest with the wall all too eagerly.

Yep, that was our first bath together. Epic, no?

Then there was this scene, a moment shortly thereafter where I started feeling a little bit funny inside. A strange tingling at my chest, as if something were actually feeling in there. It was the first of many in our twisted friendship.

He was sitting in the grey room, staring out those big glass windows that showcased all of that seemingly tiny city down below when I walked in. Saix was calling him from his post at the center of the room. He probably gave him a good 2-3 calls before growling in irritation, fuming at the blond's refusal to hear him though they were so close.

Knowing how Saix gets when he's angry is sometimes a burden, because then you feel like it's your responsibility to make sure nobody else has to know how he gets. So there I found myself, hands placed on either of Saix's shoulders, pushing him back lightly as he readied to pull out his weapon and give Roxas a few good hits. The kid would have never even seen it coming with the way he was just so spaced out like that.

"Calm down, Saix!" I urged, laughing as he tried to push me back. Of course, neither of us were really trying; the situation didn't call for it. "Chill alright? He's just not used to his name for some weird reason."

He scowled at me, eyes narrowed and dangerous. "Fine. Once more then, but if he _still_ doesn't..." I gave him an understanding nod and stepped out of the way so he could properly call him. "Roxas!"

Nothing.

Kid didn't budge, not even a flinch. He just kept on staring, kept on watching something that neither of us could see.

"That's it!" Saix only managed to take one step forward before I flashed forward again, blocking his path.

"Look, there's no need to get violent yet." I said, trying to pacify him before he really decided to give the kid a blow to his head. "Just try again, I'm sure he'll hear it this time. I'm _positive._" Was I really sure? Nope. Not at all. I had no confidence at all that he would turn when Saix called him again.

"Fine. Then _you_ call him if you're so sure." Saix raised his brow at me and took a step back, arms crossed across his chest expectantly. "Go on."

I sweated a little bit as I turned around, standing beside Saix and facing Roxas's side. Who knows what would happen to me if he didn't turn around? Maybe I'd be kicked out of the organization. Maybe I'd have gotten a crapload of missions for my baseless confidence. Maybe I'd sprout some antennas, turn black, go glowy and yellow in the eyes and call myself a Neoshadow. Who really knows?

If I had to count the number of times I had called his name today, the number would fit on one hand. If I wasn't mistaken, and my memory served me correctly, this was my fourth time saying his name. I took a small breath and opened my mouth, raising my voice just a little so he could hear me.

"Hey, Roxas!"

He blinked. A light seemed to go off in his head and then... He turned his head and faced me, tilting it ever so cutely to the side, his eyes questioning me in his little Roxas way.

"Yes?" He asked.

I don't know why, but I just suddenly felt this urge to laugh, cry and hug the boy to suffocation as soon as that one syllable escaped his lips. Uncontrollable fits of laughter just spewed out of my mouth as I made my way over to him, stumbling as I went. Hardly able to see him through the tears in my eyes, I grabbed his head and ruffled his hair, earning myself a few alarmed noises. And God, the only thing I was saying was just...

"Oh, Roxas. Roxas, Roxas, Roxas."

He struggled against me, making protesting noises as I nearly did accomplish my mission to suffocate him. I was grinning ear to ear, cheek to cheek, that I felt my jaw burning, but I still didn't stop. And once my excessive theatrics were through, I just let out a big breath in contentment.

"Roxas," I sighed, grinning at him from ear to ear, cheek to cheek, "Roxas, Roxas, Roxas."

**MISSION COMPLETE**

**TA: Soooo? What's the verdict? Am I doing okay? :)**


	3. Day 4: Diaries

**Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts**

**Missing Pages**

**Chapter 3: Day 4 - Diaries**

"Say 'aaahhh.'" I chanted, lifting the cereal-filled spoon to the blond's lips with a cheery grin that was not my own.

Now one would think that after that first day's fiasco, we'd have become great friends and gotten along great the very next day, but no. That's just not how Roxas worked. That next morning, I was back at square one, only this time with an even more of a problem. After that first day, I thought, "Okay, we got through the first hurdles, everything should work out smoothly from here." W-R-O-N-G. Just, wrong.

I woke up the next morning with a zombie again. His memory was wiped clean, if there was anything there to begin with. He didn't remember our "bath" nor even the way to and from his room or the grey room. Heck, I had to practically hold his hand again. Thankfully, there were a few things he retained, like saying "yes" and other such single syllable words, but more importantly, he still turned when I called his name, which sent those metaphorical butterflies a-flutter in me.

My current task this morning, as I'm sure you've already guessed, is to feed this stubborn kid some cereal.

"Come on, Roxas." I nearly whined, dropping the spoon back into the bowl and giving him a defeated sigh. "Work with me here. I've gotta feed you and then hurry on ahead for my mission; if I don't get outta here soon, Saix'll have my head."

He kept his mouth closed like a brat.

Don't get to thinking that he's always so... rebellious. That first morning, he opened his mouth like a good little boy and ate his breakfast. It was only on the third day did he really start giving me trouble. From then on, I had to force feed him until he was finally able to do it himself; it was becoming a habit for him, I think. Now I wouldn't have minded much if it weren't for the fact that I'd get my ass handed to me on a silver platter decorated with other blood-decorated body parts if I didn't get started on my mission, because, again, I know how Saix gets when he's angry.

Being with Roxas actually made me feel a little bit lighter inside. Like, I didn't have to worry about stepping over that boundary, or watch what I say because he might suddenly put something sharp and deadly to my neck. No, he was very easy to be around. At least, at first.

"Roxas." I repeated a bit more sternly, narrowing my eyes at him. "I don't want to have to force you to eat again."

At this point, the question comes up, and it's really somewhat troubling: How exactly do I force feed him?

As much as I'd love to say that I blindfolded him, tied him to the chair, did some unmentionable things to make him open his mouth and then force the food down there, I can't. Simply because I didn't. On this fourth day of his, I didn't see him in that light. On this fourth day, he was just a kid to me, a kid brother of sorts. I cannot stress that enough.

"Now, 'aahhh' Roxas."

His eyes kind of quivered, his body probably remembering what it is I do in situations like this, though, of course, he himself didn't quite hold the memory in his grasp. Roxas's mouth almost immediately opened wide right after, that I couldn't help but let out an amused chuckle from where I sat beside him.

"Thank you." I grinned, proceeding with feeding him.

Now I bet the curiosity is just _killing_ you now isn't it? What is it that I do, hm? I'll put it to ya simply.

I tickle the wind out of him until he's writhing on the floor in pain because he's laughed so hard and so long that he's blue in the face and slamming his fist on the floor repeatedly. Kid brother, remember?

"I'll see you later, Roxas." I said, popping my hood onto my head all awesome-like and turned to head for the dark corridor awaiting me at the end of the hall. Mission time was really the only time I had without Roxas in those days. I couldn't exactly take a brain-dead kid along with me in a place lurking with dangers at every corner, could I? No, I couldn't. So we agreed that while I was out on my mission, he'd stay in his room and wait for me to come back.

I think it needs to be said right here that I didn't get to eat ice cream with him up on that clock tower again until that seventh day.

With that out of the way, let's get back to me leaving and Roxas watching me leave.

"Ax-..." He paused a moment, making sure he was going to attach the correct ending to the beginning, "-el." I grinned back at him, kudos for remembering my name the morning after. "Come back soon." He smiled at me then. It was sweet, adorable and above all, innocent, and that smile just _did _something to me. I couldn't quite place it, and to this day I still can't really describe it, but I just... I don't know. I _felt_ something.

"Yeah. I will." I replied with a smile, though I'm sure he didn't see it due to the shadow being cast from my hood, but I bet you he heard it in my voice. It was just so clear and evident that not noticing it would make you _blind_ in all usages of the word. "See ya."

"Yeah, see you."

xXx

"Axel, give this to Roxas for me." Saix ordered, handing me this thick, hard covered notebook. "Tell him to keep tabs on his days here in the organization." I gave him this look like, 'You want him to turn into a girl or something?' He replied with, "Just do it, Axel."

Eh, whatever, right? If Saix wanted Roxas to write into a diary or something, that was their business. I was just the messenger.

Now this is where my problems started. This seemingly innocent black notebook with Roxas's name on it started it all. My nightly outings, my constant visits into Roxas's room while he slept, and the slimming distance that became more obvious with each day... up until the _seventh_ day.

"Roxas," I began, lifting up the notebook so he could focus in on it, "Saix said to give this to you. To write down stuff about your days here, but no one would check it, he said." I handed him the book then, giving him that one medium to let out his thoughts, since he clearly couldn't express it to any of us. Not even me, because back then, I didn't want to hear it. Not at all. Not back then.

So he nodded, accepted the book and hid it in the drawer by his bedside.

From there, it's a bit of a blur. I can't give details, but I remember our bath. I remember it because there we were, scrunched up together in that little tub since I still had to watch him, and he'd forgotten everything about feeling embarrassed around me. There were bubbles everywhere, flowing out of the tub and onto the floor and shiny pink bubbles, reflecting our images from all around.

Roxas played with that same rubber duckie I had given him that first time and sloshed it around in the tub, grinning every now and then as he imagined some kind of storyline as he moved it around. From time to time, he'd glance up at me and smile so innocently that I'd burned the image into my memory each and every time.

And he told me, "I like you Axel."

"You're not half bad yourself, kid," I mused, taking his comment a little too nonchalant than I should have.

He gave me an unrestrained grin then, and returned to his epic saga in the making for that special rubber duckie. I was content just watching him play, resting my head against the side of the tub and just listening to him hum tunes I'd never heard of or just make odd noises here and there. Other times, I'd pull him in close, sling an arm around his shoulders and press my head against his so I could take a nap while he entertained himself with his toy. Perhaps... That's where I went wrong.

Roxas was never tense around me. He never had his guard up. He was always trusting of me. I never knew why, but I liked it anyway. I liked how he trusted me. Really, I did. And if given the chance, I'd have chosen him without so much as a second thought. I always wanted him. Just him and nothing else. But the thing about just wanting _him_ is that it just can't happen. Not when he was Roxas. Not when he himself didn't realize that he was empty inside, just like the rest of us.

But I suppose that's one of the things that I loved about him.

Hah. _Loved_. Really, being around them is just... It's certainly taking its toll, isn't it?

Well... What day is this again? The fourth day? Around this fourth day, he was able to say more. Though, the next day it'd be back to toddler words, at least until the afternoon when I got back. With each day, he retained more and more of what happened the day before, but it still just remained as bits and pieces, vague blurs in his head and incomplete thoughts that couldn't be recovered. It was like each day was a new beginning, and the days that had passed were just memories of another time, hardly worth recalling the next day.

So he started writing.

He wrote into that journal for the first time on the fourth day. Of course, he's never seen it. He doesn't even remember he wrote into it. That's not to say the entries never existed. Believe me you, the entries are real. They're real and within grasp, but only within mine.

"Whatcha doin' there, Rox?" I peered over his shoulder as I inched closer to him on the couch, practically cornering him into the armrest.

He jumped as soon as he heard my voice and looked at me in bewilderment, instantly pressing the notebook into his chest so I couldn't see what he had written. "N-Nothing." He replied all too quickly, not to mention too suspiciously.

I raised a curious brow, but contented myself with just leaning against his shoulder as we listened to Demyx play his sitar on the other couch, letting his music fill the silence in the grey room. Demyx wasn't too much of a singer, but man could he _play_. I bet you anything that that boy would have made it big in another life, if he had a heart to play with, to _feel_ and compose with.

From the corner of my eye, I watched Roxas send me shifty glances, as if checking to make sure I wasn't paying any more attention to him. To put him at ease, I closed my eyes, leaning even more against him and propping my feet onto the other arm rest, taking up all the available space that wasn't occupied by Roxas. I could hear him shuffling, as if trying to finish something before I decided to open my eyes.

The sound of papers flipping came first. Then some scrawling sounds. Fluid, constant, continuous writing...

It almost seemed like a lullaby. The scratching of Roxas's pen against paper and the melody from Demyx's sitar blended together, playing a nice tune for me to sleep to. It's all very nostalgic now, but I can still hear that tune, that sliding of ink and metal... And then everything just comes back, wave after wave, memory after memory and then a name.

Roxas.

When I disappear, there's only one thing I wish I could keep, be it a memory or the original himself. I want Roxas. But nothings can never hold anything. Roxas was different. That's all there was to it.

I think I had a dream then, but I can't really be sure. It's in my memory, but I can't differentiate it between reality and imaginary. I was sitting next to him, see, up on that big old clock tower. There was a beautiful hymn playing all around us, perfect for that ice cream and sunset moment, but I look back and realize that it was probably just Demyx's sitar seeping into my dreamland. The sky was colored with reds, oranges, and yellows, all blending together beautifully, coming together into one big, round sun. And, maybe I always knew, but I asked anyway, "_Roxas, you have a heart, don't you?"_

Roxas shook his head and said something, but I didn't catch it. He kept on talking, but I couldn't hear a thing. I just know that by the end of his speech, I was feeling rather satisfied with whatever he said and whipped out some ice cream I didn't even know I had. He accepted it... and then... I said something I really didn't want to say, but felt that I should, not for me, but for Roxas.

He smiled at me again and I guess I couldn't bear it. My head turned away from him, glancing up into the sky and took a large bite of that ice cream, feeling its saltiness in full for the first time.

When I turned back around, Roxas was _glowing._ Fucking _glowing_. Then _I_ started glowing. I couldn't understand it. I didn't know what to do, but the me in that dream... He smiled at Roxas as they both started to glow and fade. They smiled sadly at each other, and they agreed on something before they were taken to separate places. One last farewell, if you will.

"_See you, Axel."_

"_See ya, partner."_

I awoke sometime later. If there was a clock, it might have said an hour between 8 and 11, but it wasn't midnight. The eerie quiet in the castle hadn't reigned upon us yet. There were still some noises, things to be done before midnight.

Roxas was still there, asleep in the same position that I had left him, notebook hugged tight into his little form. I sat upright, apologizing slightly, knowing that I probably numbed his arm out as I slept. Being the good guy that I am, I lifted him up, notebook and all, into his room and laid him down, carefully prying the notebook from his arms and set it on his bedside drawer.

I tucked him in, pulling the blankets up over his chin and thought, "_It's too bad you won't remember much tomorrow..._"

Feeling a frown pull at my lips, I averted my gaze. Fatefully, my eyes landed upon that ominous notebook, just waiting for someone to open it, practically _begging_.

Hold the accusations, stop just a moment. I didn't immediately stash that notebook into my cloak and take off with it. Nope. After tucking him in, I retreated into my own bedroom. I actually got so far as to get into bed and pull the covers up when the curiosity started to tug at my thoughts. Every other thought became that notebook and all of a sudden, I just couldn't let it go.

I mean, the fervent glances, the suspicious, shifty eyes! I couldn't ignore that...

I wanted to read it, but I didn't want to invade. It was Roxas's notebook. Not mine. I had no right. And, this is the part where the lack of hearts really comes into play. If I had a heart, I think I'd feel guilty. But alas... I haven't got one.

Throwing the covers off my sleepless body, I jumped out of bed and entered the dark corridor, taking the easy way to sneak into Roxas's bedroom. Watching his silent form steadily, I moved for the notebook and pulled it off the drawer. I stared at it for a while, still contemplating if I should read it, if I should _really_ do this. Just holding the book meant nothing, but the moment I opened it...

_Day 4_, it read. Using the moonlight shining in through the window in Roxas's room, I let the words come into the light. I saw my name in various areas in his off writing. Sometimes, he simply referred to me as 'teacher,' but it was more 'Axel' really. Then towards the end of his entry, which was quite lengthy for a first entry, the tone started to change. _I don't want to forget this tomorrow, so let this be my memory._ I gulped hesitantly, I was starting to get worried, my mouth was getting dry, but I didn't know why that was... So I just continued reading and reading until I read everything he had to say.

_Don't let me forget. Tomorrow, I want to remember._

It all sounded so repetitious that I didn't know when he'd actually get to the matter at hand. He just kept repeating it. "I want to remember," and, "I don't want to forget," again and again. Then there was a completely out of character line. A line, not even _he_ should have understood then.

_I want to love_.

My breath hitched; my hand trembled as it held the notebook in place. I kept reading.

_I want to love Axel._

Loved. That's how I should have felt, right? I should have felt loved, _happy_... but I didn't. I just kept thinking, over and over... He shouldn't love me. He can't. There's no point. It's not _possible_. Not for us. And I just kept thinking this. I honestly believed that nothing between us could ever hope to be. Whatever it is he felt towards me then wasn't anything. It was just like us: nothing.

"He doesn't need to remember this," I remember mumbling to myself as I observed Roxas's sleeping face. He was sound asleep, breathing steadily, chest heaving up and down in even motions. He didn't need another disappointment. Neither of us did. So I did it.

I ripped out the pages he had written on. Ripped them out clean so it'd be as if they had never been there. As if they had never existed, just like the "feelings" he had for me: _nothing_.

The book closed with soft thump once I finished the deed. Then I left, dropping it onto the drawer from where I had picked it up and those pages crumpled in my hand. I gave Roxas one last sad look before disappearing into the darkness, the pages beginning to burn at from the edges inward and the sound of the midnight bell echoing throughout our halls; it was day 5 and I was resolute in my decision.

He didn't need to remember this, right?

**MISSION COMPLETE**

**TA: T.T Poor Axel.**


	4. Day 6: Raindrops and Pinky Promises

Ta: Please excuse the language in this chapter, hehe...

**Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts.**

**Missing Pages**

**Chapter 4: Day 6 - Raindrops and Pinky Promises**

Day 6. Day fucking 6.

I don't think it needs to be said, but there are some people out there that are just _soooo_ dense that it _needs_ to be said. I'm pissed. Do I have to spell it out for you? P-I-S-S-E-D. Pissed as all hell. Why? Hah, why... I did it again. Betrayed his trust. Invaded his space. Ripped away a memory. Who am I to decide? I'm Axel. I'm Axel, the guy he's fucking "in love" with. But you know the hilarious part of it all?

He can't remember _shit_ the morning after.

It's like sleeping with someone and having this awesome as fuck night several nights in a row and yet still have that same reaction every morning: "Holy shit, who the heck are you? What are you doing in my bed? Why am I naked? Why are _you_ naked? Why are we _both_ naked? ...DAMN! What _happened_ last night?"

Yeup, it felt just like that. Morning after morning... after morning. See why I'm angry now?

The morning light- Oh what am I talking about? There is no morning here, just rain and darkness. You'd think I'd get used to this, but it wouldn't hurt to wake up one morning and smile just from feeling that warmth. How nice would that be?

Ah, well, I guess we can't always have what we want. Hell, I can _never_ have what I want.

So, anyway, morning came. It was still dark and grey outside, but when wasn't it? That morning, I got out of bed early. I'm not one of those "early to bed, early to rise" people. I'm the kind of person that says "screw that crap! I'm staying up as late as I want and waking up as late _as I want."_ The _only_ reason why I was pulling myself out of bed this early was because I hadn't slept at all.

Beneath my pillow, I had a growing collection of Roxas's memories and paper from his diary. I didn't have it in me to burn the pages I had taken out. I guess I had this feeling that if I burned them, they really wouldn't have existed, that the memories Roxas had forgotten would forever be lost to the world. There was more writing about me last night, thus there goes another torn page. Tonight will most likely be the same. I don't know how long he'll keep writing about me, but I figure that as long as he doesn't remember those feelings, then he probably doesn't need them.

"Up already?" I quirked up an eyebrow as I passed Roxas's open bedroom just in time to catch him poke his little blond head into the hallway.

I smirked as he replied, "I heard your footsteps."

So, the kid memorizes my footsteps, yet can't bring himself to pronounce my name. Come on, it's not that hard. Ax-el. Easy, right? ...Really, I just don't know what to do with him.

"How about an early breakfast then?" I asked, leaning against his door frame and crossing my arms. "We'll be able to spend more time together before I go out on my next mission." That's not really something I would say, but I'm sure you've already guessed it. No, that's Roxas's own reasoning. After I'd said it, I vaguely wondered if I had given myself away, but he just stared up at me and tilted his head to the side, his expression clueless.

I believe it was in his second entry that he wrote it down. He wrote, _I put up a fight in the morning during breakfast... so I can spend more time with him. _He continued on, saying, _I don't like it when he's away on his missions. Without me. I want to have him here. _Then, the next line, I feel responsible for, _He says that what Saix says is more important. More important than what? Me?_

"Think you can handle this on your own now?"

I set down a bowl of cereal onto the table and sat beside him, resting my arm on the table. He stared blankly at the bowl, memory wiped yet again, but this time, it seems he knows how to manage himself. He raises his hand and takes a hold of the spoon.

"Oh, so you really _do_ know what you're doing this time!" I exclaimed with a grin, giving the kid a pat on the back once the spoon went into his mouth perfectly, well, aside from the occasional drop of milk dribbling down his chin.

It was his first real accomplishment. He deserved a reward, right? Don't get to thinking that I was playing with him, because I really wasn't. I just felt like... he earned it. You know how that is right? Just that eager desire to give someone a reward for doing something great?

I leaned in close to him, closer than I had that first ice cream sunset and planted a kiss on his forehead, ruffling his hair with my free hand. "Good job, Roxas." I whispered into his ear, too close to where I should I have been. I pulled away then, and began devouring my own breakfast, but an impalpable desire in me started to grow. I guess, this was where it all began.

With each passing night, each calm morning, something _grew_ and _intensified_; I was beginning to want my breakfast less and less, while wanting Roxas all the more. It festered in me all morning, extending into my mission, of which I was sorely bruised due to my lack of attention, and it came back at me when I returned home.

"What do you mean he's not here?" Scowling, I pinned Larxene with a flaming chakram against a wall, eyes burning with rage and words seething with hate.

She growled, "As I said. Kid's not here. Disappeared somewhere during the day."

"Any idea where he might have gone?" I asked, still refusing to release her.

Her eyes narrowed on me as she leaned in close and breathed her answer, her own deadly venom lacing her words, "Not a clue, so why don't you get the fuck off me, Axel?"

"Tch."

Remember when I said that my tracking skills are amazing, and I just told you to trust me? Yeah, well, I want to bring it back up just so I can say "I told you so!" I flew, not just ran, flew out of that castle in record timing, a flurry of flames and a whirlwind of a red-black combo. I want to say that I found him quickly, but I didn't. I had gone through all the nearby areas before I found him.

And before the rain started to come down on me.

"Roxas!" I yelled from the middle of the road, still rushing over to him. "What the hell are you doing?" The rain began to drizzle onto our world.

He stood at an alley, stopped by a dead end with no exit except from where he'd entered. He stood staring at that blank wall, hoping that it might open and create a pathway for him. He didn't turn his head when I called him, and I suppose that got me rather scared. Yeah, me, _scared_. Well, that wasn't a new feeling. Not since I heard, "Roxas isn't here." From then on, until I had him safe in my arms, 'scared' and I were the closest of friends, whether I liked it or not.

"_Roxas_." I insisted, fear starting to show in my voice. I grabbed him roughly and pulled him out of his trance, trying to pull my hood up all at the same time.

His eyes met with mine again. They were blank and I felt that it was like the first day all over again. He was empty, blank, a white canvas placed upon several colored canvases, all stacked upon each other, the wet colors staining the canvas on top, until it all melded together in a black mess... except for the first canvas, which remained just as clean as his mind.

He examined my face a bit, before trying to make out who I was. "Ax..."

"-el." I finished for him hurriedly, still pulling anxiously on his arm. My hood was being just as stubborn as Roxas was, refusing to listen to me and ignoring any orders I had for it. "Let's go, Rox. Let's go. It's raining."

Yes, it was raining. Water had already begun streaming down his cheeks in rivers. His hair was drenched, spikes hardly visible anymore, and the splats sounding off on his cloak didn't seem to bother him.

My own hair had flattened itself, coming together in thick locks around my shoulders, and a few stuck to my skin. I had given up on trying to get my hood on and focused more on keeping the water out of my eyes, wiping constantly over my forehead and blinking away stray drops that stumbled upon my eyes. I was getting annoyed real fast real quick.

"Axel." He repeated. He didn't ask it, he didn't say it in a way for me to confirm it. He stated it; he knew what he was saying. "Why?" He asked.

I stopped pulling on him then, I stopped any movement altogether. We stared at each other, blue to green, green to blue, despite the many drops obscuring our vision. His eyes reddened then, and he desperately tried to blink it away, because he knew what was happening. His face had begun to heat up and I could feel it. When the night was cold, and the rain made it no better, I tended to be extremely sensitive to heat. It's instinct, reflex, and they told me...

_Roxas is crying_.

He averted his eyes in every which direction, avoiding me and never keeping his gaze in one place for very long. His eyes just kept shifting and focusing in different areas at once that he looked the most uncomfortable at that moment than any other. After a few more moments of listening to raindrops and uneasy glances, he repeated his question, "Why?" This time, he tacked on another question, to clarify any misunderstanding I might have had, though really, I understood perfectly. "Why did you take the pages out of the diary?"

I retracted my hand, letting it fall limp to my side as I straightened myself up. I couldn't answer him. Silence reigned upon us again.

He let out a strained, shaky breath.

I want to tell you that I saw his tears, but I couldn't tell the difference between the falling raindrops on his skin or the supposed tears streaming down his face. I can only tell you that his eyes were red, he gave off an irresistable heat and he trembled before me.

"You don't need to remember that, Roxas," I wanted to say, "It's for the best." I wanted to tell him, "It's pointless," and, "just forget about me." I wanted to say it all, scream it into his ears, but the words got caught in my throat, refusing to come out.

When he could no longer take the silence, he let his eyes fall to the ground, finally staying there, still as we were.

The rain had captured every inch of his exposed self, both he and I victims of a rain shower gone awry. And it just kept pouring on us, a never ending waterfall of a never ending rain. Hah, maybe it was because of all this fucking rain that I was not like myself. There's a reason why I'm a fire wielder, a reason why I specialize in fire and why I refuse to learn how to use "blizzard." If it's not in the form of a hot shower or a nice bath with Roxas, I fucking _detest _water.

I don't remember what I was thinking when I did it. I just know that I did it. It started in the morning, remember? That growing feeling, festering at the pit of my stomach and growing by the day? That's right. I let it out then. At that point, I just wanted Roxas. I wasn't sure if it was the same way he wanted me, but I kept going anyway because I knew, that whatever happened that day would not carry on to the next.

Because the other person was Roxas. And the problem with wanting Roxas was that you could never just _have _him.

There weren't any more words we could exchange. Neither of us really knew what to say anyway. "Actions speak better than words" is the phrase, right? Well, it fit perfectly for us then. I dipped down low and captured him, snaking my arms around his small waist and pulling him in close, the heat of our bodies mingling together in the cold, rainy night.

I backed him up into the very wall he had been staring at, stealing kisses and breaths hungrily. He let out broken thoughts, of which I could hardly make out. I remember him calling me. Again and again. Like he never wanted forget my name again.

"Axel." He would say, and then a shock, an exquisitely electrical shock would reverberate through me, and I would comply, ravishing him more and more. And he'd call me again, "Axel," and then I would lose my mind, getting lost in our kisses, our raging storms.

"Axel," he called me again, but he continued it into a sentence, "Don't let me forget this tomorrow." He took a breath and said, "Let me be with you forever, Axel." He would say, "Promise me this."

Caught up in the moment, I gave a grunt in reply, fumbling with the wet zipper with my equally soaked fingers beneath the rain. Before I could complete my task, he pushed me away at arm's length and glared at me, for the first time that day looking as if he was finally in control. "_Promise me this_." His blue eyes were intense as he waited for my answer, as if my answer would decide everything for us, and, I suppose it did.

I grabbed his hand then, grasping it and pulling it close to me, only to close the distance between us. "I promise you, Roxas. We'll be together forever." I managed from between my ragged breaths. "Forever and ever." I tore my eyes away from his and locked onto his hand, and, as if feeling human again, wrapped my pinky around his. "A pinky promise, 'kay?" I grinned, finally close enough to press my forehead against his.

Roxas examined my face, while his was the very definition of a question mark.

With a laugh, I replied, "I can't break this anymore, Roxas. Not a pinky promise. I promise you _this_." I placed his hand on my chest. I never meant my heart for I never carried one, but me myself. I could promise him my whole being, what little existence I had, and I was fine with that. I could promise him that. At least that.

He seemed satisfied with my answer and we resumed our questionable actions.

A dark corridor had been summoned beneath us, engulfing us in darkness, and dropping us off in his room. Cloaks had come off, pants forgotten and sheets ruffled and tossed aside for later use. Then, some more kisses, moans and resounding after effects later, we were huddled together on his bed under said covers. I was staring up at the wall while Roxas slept blissfully beside me and replayed it in my head.

During our deed, I saw his messy writing on his arm. In the same blue ink he used to write in his diary, he had written, _Don't forget the diary. You love Axel._ By the end of it all, it was nothing more than a blur, smudged by the rain that had trickled into his cloak and from our own sweaty movements. It was by pure luck that I saw it. In the heat of the moment, it was a miracle I even caught it, though it was obvious on his white skin. It frustrated me quite a bit and slowed me down some, but not for long.

Moments before he had fallen asleep, he grabbed my hand again, wrapping his pinky around mine and reminding me with an ecstatic grin, "A pinky promise."

And I nodded, agreeing with him, copying his movements. "Yeah, a pinky promise."

Somewhere along the line, I had fallen asleep. I didn't dream this time, but I could hear that same annoying clock tower jingle in my subconscious. It was annoying because I knew what it was trying to tell me. Well, I _thought _I knew what it was telling me. I thought it was telling me that we'd both disappear one day; of course, I already figured out that much. Not much to look forward to when you're living an existence like ours. I knew that we'd disappear, but it was telling me... That if I didn't stop this soon, our last farewell would hurt more than it needed to be.

I didn't want that. It was always easier to say goodbye to a friend than to a lover, right? Right...

The melody stopped while I tried to figure out its meaning in my dream, getting replaced by that same familiar scritch-scratch noise of pen on paper. Roxas was writing again, I realized in my half-asleep state. I didn't budge, and reasoned with myself that he'd only stop writing if I did. I could at least let him have that. I could give him all this, _all at the very least._

I'm guessing it was a little before midnight when I fully awoke. I don't have a habit of waking up in the middle of the night, but I had something to do. One last deed before the day was through. So I picked myself up from the bed, careful to not disturb Roxas in his sleep, and pulled open the drawer containing the diary. I mumbled a small apology in his direction before I opened the diary again, this time not being the last.

Being familiar with the workings of the book, I ripped out his latest entry flawlessly. Hardly a sound came of it and the rip was clean and perfect. I was so close to becoming a master at this. It made me feel slightly sick.

I took note of his entry and nearly snorted aloud. He'd begun to title them. I read through it, as I did with the others, before putting the book back in its rightful place. I stuffed the folded paper into the pockets of my cloak and returned to the bed, eyes glowing in the moonlight. I kissed his cheek, then his jaw, I kept at it until he was groaning because I woke him up.

He grinned at me once he realized what I wanted and was all too willing to comply. We had another round, and this time, I made it my business to find any more hidden markings on him. Aside from the unreadable blue stain on his arm, there was nothing, and that assured me. Feeling more comfortable, I focused more on Roxas than my search. Neither of us could complain about the result of that.

Then, my thoughts drifted to his last entry. "Pinky Promises" he had called it.

An image of his face flashed through my memory then, all of which were drenched in the rain, glistening beautifully, giving off the feeling that just touching him might cause the image to break. I can't tell you how much I want to see it again, that numbing image of a soaked Roxas with fiery blue eyes, demanding me to promise him "forever"...

I smiled into our kiss, deepening it all the while and found myself enjoying the contact we shared even more.

"Pinky Promises," huh.

Roxas was asleep again, a smile evident on his face. I stood cloaked and clothed at the edge of the bed, watching him contentedly, feeling the paper against my leg. He stirred a bit in his sleep, and I couldn't help but smile at him. Shaking my head, I brushed a few strands out of his face and summoned a dark corridor. I gave him one last look back and said to him softly, "I think I'd have titled it 'Raindrops.'"

Needless to say, I was gone by morning.

**MISSION COMPLETE**

**TA: Alright, so chapters are going to be really short here on out. D: For the sake of the story. Not my laziness. Honest. XP**


	5. Day 71: Replacement or False Beliefs

**TA: These next chapters are going to be so short that you're going to want to pull your hair out. .**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts.**

**Missing Pages**

**Chapter 5: Day 71 - Replacement or False Beliefs**

Xion. Number XIV.

The kid told me about her today. He's friendly. He's coming to be just like him. All he needed was a goofy grin, some hair dye and red shorts. Ah, but then he wouldn't be Roxas. The little quirks about Roxas that defined him _as Roxas_ was that he didn't have any of that. He's a being all his own, I do believe that, just as I believe that he'll have a better ending than the rest of us.

Now, let me make this clear. Roxas told me about her, said he'd told her that we'd all become friends. He talked about her. No, I guess what I wanted to make clear is not that he _talked_ about her, but how he _rambled on_ about her. It's not like he was gushing about her or anything, but every other topic with him was Xion, Xion, Xion. I was bewildered at first, hearing his promise to her, but I brushed it off as nothing.

Roxas isn't mine. He's hardly himself. I had come to understand that.

Sorry if I get things wrong, or cut this short. Everything just started to go numb around that time. It's hazy and I want to keep it that way. I don't want any clear, defined memories of that time. I want it clouded. I want it distorted so that I can somehow make light of what happened, of how I felt upon my return. I apologize again, if things get jumbled and memories become too much to recall. Forgive me, if I can't make sense of what I try to say for not even I can tell you properly just how twisted and contorted I had become.

I guess I'll try to start from the beginning of the day. I had survived Castle Oblivion, but the castle itself was hardly standing. There were literal holes punched into the walls and about half our member count had been deleted, wiped from existence. After meeting him, after seeing all those I knew disappear, going back to the castle just did not sound appealing.

So I decided to pay Twilight Town a visit, having a slight hope that I might run into Roxas there. The town's nostalgia hit me like a ton of bricks as I inhaled its familiar scents and listened to its recognizable sounds. Ahh, Twilight Town...

I wandered the shadows a while, just watching, observing kids and adults alike go about their summer days. While I stood atop a familiar building, I grinned when I realized where I was looking. I had assumed the same stance from when I had to look for Roxas, eyes drawn to the location I had found him. Then, a pang at my chest. It didn't hurt, it didn't bother me like an ache. Just a pang.

Gulping down a lump at my throat, I breathed out heavily, remembering before I had left... I was no longer Roxas's topic of entry. I was just Axel. Just. Axel. Not teacher. Hardly a friend. And certainly not a lover. Seeing that as a sign to stop ripping out pages, I kept my hands to myself and let Roxas keep his memories. Yeah, it started around the seventh day.

Do you want to know what happened on the seventh day? Nothing.

I woke up that morning, found him eating breakfast with everyone and looked into a pair of empty, blank eyes with only a _hint _of recognition. So I gave him a light shove in a playful manner and said, "Aww, my little Roxas is growing up!" And so, the sixth day... along with the days before were lost to him, forgotten in light of a new set of memories, a set in which I was no longer in the spotlight. "We" lasted but a night, and that's how it would stay.

As much as I want to fill you in on the "heartbreak" I suffered, I just don't have it in me to tell you. You know, haven't got the heart to tell you the horrible feelings that consumed me.

I can only say... That a formula consisting of ice cream, sunsets and clock towers can never go wrong, because even when all hope seems lost, if you have all three of those and a good friend to share it with, nothing is as bad as it seems. Isn't that right, Roxas?

...Hah... Yeah, I guess he would agree, since he had no problem sharing that formula with someone else. With that Xion.

Roxas was about ready to head home when I found him. He looked shocked, dumbfounded and above all, looking as if he'd just seen a ghost. I gave him a grin and asked him why that was. Apparently I was dead to him, in the literal sense of course, but that didn't stop me from seeing a hint of foreshadowing in his words.

I conjured up that formula that day, sharing some nostalgic ice cream and a sunset with Roxas. I hadn't seen him in so long, that I just wanted to touch him. I wanted to repeat that sixth day, but I couldn't. He would remember this time. I couldn't touch him. I could hardly hold him without gaining a strange look in response. We were friends, and I had told him that.

I couldn't touch him.

I couldn't even hold him.

It killed me... because I so _needed_ to touch him.

"Axel? Was that wrong?" He was asking me about Xion and about inviting her up here.

Shrugging, I shook my head after my initial shook. "No, it's alright." No, it was not just alright. "The more the merrier, right?" No, no, no. Ugh, how I wanted to shut myself up. How I wish someone would just push me off that clock tower, ice cream and all so that I didn't have to hear anymore. How I didn't have to _feel_ anymore. It's moments like these where I wish that I were just like any other Nobody, and become envious of the lack of emotion they had.

I didn't want to feel anymore.

We got back home. Saix talked my ear off, but I didn't hear anything. Not even Saix's wrath could get through to me. Not his lecturing, not his insults, not even his "Axel, where the hell were you, you dumbass?"

He visited me sometime during the night. Can't even remember what he said. I just know that right after, I paid Roxas a visit. I want to say it was a blur, but it's not. I can't explain what happened. I was in his room. I saw Roxas. Roxas, fast asleep. Diary. Words. Training. Xion. Castle Oblivion. Xion. Sea shells. I had dwindled away in his little cache of memories, and I was hurting. The pang had turned into an ache.

Replacing the diary in the drawer, I disappeared from his room empty-handed.

I couldn't help but think somewhat grimly about the situation. I bet you, if I had a diary of my own, if I had actually bothered to keep one up to date, today's entry would be titled, "Replacement."

Yeah, that sounded about right. I'm pretty sure that's all that went around in my head for a while. Just that word, that title, that horrible notation that I was no longer important to him as I was before. Tell me now if I'm wrong to feel this way. Don't use the whole "You're a damn Nobody, you can't feel" bit on me. It won't work. I've already told myself all this before. I shouldn't be able to feel like this. Whatever was happening to me, I didn't like it. I want to say it, but at the same time I don't. I want to say that I was growing a heart. It was small, breakable and capable of only so many emotions, but I want to tell you that I was growing a heart, no matter how stupid and unbelievable that is.

I told myself that time and time again, but it just doesn't work anymore because... whenever Roxas is around, I'm hurting. I'm hurting right here, right at the heart and it kills me to hear that word. I never want him to say it, but I always believed that he didn't have to say it for me to see it.

I never wanted to Roxas to look at Xion and I, stand beside her and say, "You've been replaced." But, again, he never had to say it for me to believe it. The complications of a heart... right?

**MISSION COMPLETE**

**TA: Yeah... hecka short, no? o.o**


	6. Day 364: Forever

**TA: Again, unbelievably short...**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts.**

**Missing Pages**

**Chapter 6: Day 364 - "Forever"**

"_Let's meet again in the next life."_

Hah... I can't tell you why I said it. I don't even know why. Maybe I just felt that it was fitting. I guess I wanted to give this Roxas something to believe in... maybe give him a hope and crush it, as he did to me. ...No, that's not right. I'm not bitter towards him. Never, never towards Roxas... Well, maybe a little... But not then. Honestly, I wanted to believe that what I said could happen. I hoped that we could have met again, in different circumstances, in a situation that would've worked for us.

But something like that can't happen. At least, not for me. I realized that shortly after making the statement, after watching him agree wholeheartedly to it.

"_Silly, just because YOU_ _have a next life..._"

I left him standing there, disappearing into the darkness that I had come to know so well. I wasn't satisfied. Not with this ending. Not at all. I vaguely wondered as I appeared back in his room, if my words gave him something to think about, something he might want to remember... But then I remembered those not-so-empty but very clueless eyes that fell upon me six days ago and I laugh at the thought.

I remind myself again, bitterly, as I lay down on his bed... The Roxas that I knew is long gone. He was gone longer than just a week, he was gone for nearly a year. Then, I begin to wonder. What would have happened had I kept the entries as they were? If I had kept my hands to myself? If I had let him keep his very first memories?

Staring out of his bedroom window, I think about how many times during the past year I had gone in and out of this room without his knowing, without him ever finding out? And I wonder again, how many times I found myself disappointed upon reading about things unrelated to me, finding that my name was disappearing from the pages of his memory. ...And I wonder again, how long have I been hurting? How long have I been feeling for Roxas?

This isn't to say that I didn't enjoy his company when we were "friends." I did. We could laugh about nothing at all and still be natural. We could be happy and content just by having the other there. Up there, on that clock tower with just the two of us... I wished that they were memories I could keep.

I placed his WINNER stick in my pocket, y'know, in case he ever decided to have another ice cream sunset with me one last time. It had been in my pocket ever since he left. Ever since he turned his back on us, on me, but I don't blame him. I don't blame him for thinking that I wouldn't miss him. I don't blame him because I was a shitty friend and an even shittier lover, if I could even be called that. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better if he had been assigned to someone else all those days ago, but then I'd hit myself for even thinking that. I don't regret anything I've done for Roxas, with Roxas... not even for the organization...

But if I had another chance, with my whole being, I'd give myself to Roxas, and never look back and never doubt that what we felt was real. ...But that's the problem with wanting _just Roxas._

Sitting upright on his bed and patting the WINNER stick down in my pocket for safe keeping, I decided I needed to see him one more time, just _one last time _until...

Roxas let out a frustrated growl from the other side of the metal door, tossing around what I'm assuming is his keyblade. I could hear the metal keychain clanking against the keyblade as he swung it around, but at what, I can't even guess. I heard a few more mumbled noises, and what seemed like a release of pressured air.

"Sora." I breathed, understanding why everything had gone quiet in an instant.

"_Sora, you're lucky."_ Roxas said softly. "_I guess my summer vacation is... over."_

I let a shaky breath, but cut it short when the pods beside my started to release the same sound of escaping air. I placed my hand on the door, closed my eyes and pictured Roxas there, facing his somebody. And I guess I'd have to agree with him... Sora really is lucky.

Next time I saw Rox- No, I guess I should be calling him Sora now, he was about to aboard a funny looking train, saying goodbye to those Twilight Town kids that we used to watch so long ago from our shared darkness and distance. Even from where I was, I caught it. My breath hitched and suddenly, I couldn't breathe. A tear rolled down the brunette's cheek and had slid down completely before he took notice of it, startling himself with the sight.

"Roxas," I breathed, about to take off for him. For the briefest of moments, Sora was Roxas, not the other way around. For a split second, I saw his image instead of Sora's, but... it still wasn't the Roxas that I knew. So I kept myself back, hidden by the shadows and the blind spots of others, and left the train station, deciding that I needed to disappear from Twilight Town for a while. I don't think I'll be able to come back to this town... definitely not for a while.

"_Axel."_

Summer vacation. Over? Yeah, I guess so... But Roxas, do you really know what today is?

"_Promise me this."_

I gave the clock tower a sideways glance before looking away into the darkness, my chest hurting tenfold of its usual ache. "Today marks the end of 'forever.'"

"_I promise you, Roxas. Forever and ever."_

**MISSION COMPLETE**

**TA: DDDDDD: Please spare me the pitchforks... I can go jump off a cliff if you tell me too DX**


	7. Day ?: Remembrance

**Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts.**

**Missing Pages**

**Chapter 7: Day ? - Remembrance**

I could hear him say, in that stern-like tone of his, "_Axel, you're late."_ I wanted to see him sitting there ready for a "man-to-man" conversation though it was really just a stupid conversation about life. I wanted to poke fun at him for not understanding the basics of living, for not knowing what to do in certain situations, for his innocence. Hey Roxas, if i wait here for you, will you appear?

I took my regular seat on that familiar ledge and somehow felt the WINNER stick in my pocket. Heh, I'd forgotten all about that. I sighed and looked up at the sky. Sunset was nearing. Then again, I thought the same thing 8 hours ago yet the sky had not changed. Twilight Town was stuck in a perpetual before-sunset scene, refusing to move forward until I did. The clouds remained still, the people moving, but not making a sound.

I sighed, just as I did the time before, and thought the same recurring thought, 'Will you be up here when I come back for sunset? Will you look up at me, smile and tell me that you'd been waiting for hours?' Roxas, I want to see you, but as long as it's still the time "before sunset" I can't see you. So come soon. So we can watch this last sunset that has waited for just you and I and no one else.

As I made my way to the ice cream shop, I noticed the setting change, the shadows growing longer, and the light growing dimmer. I smiled. He came. I raced back to the clock tower, two ice creams stashed away as I stealthily made my way through town and up the stairs. It probably would have been easier to use the dark corridor, but I liked the feeling of having everything inside me burn, have it race and pound. I felt alive, though I knew that I was already on the brink of disappearing. This "Twilight Town" is the last of what I was, waiting for just one last goodbye from a good friend, or whatever it was he meant to me at this point.

I threw the door open, panting and wheezing, but then my breath caught, silencing my unsteady breaths.

There was shuffling on the other side, just around the corner from where I stood. I eased my breathing, pressing a hand to my chest and straightened myself out. There was no point in showing him how desperate I was right? If we were going to part, might as well make it something to be proud of. Not that either of us will remember it after.

"Finally woken up?" I asked him, standing right on the ledge, staring at the sky that had finally changed. It was almost sunset, and this time, I was sure it would come.

"Axel." He said flawlessly, without a stutter, an unsure question mark or any hint of accusation. Just 'Axel.' Just Axel.

I didn't know what I was saying then. I was just talking, trying to keep my cool, hoping to make this look better than I had pictured. There was some nostalgia in this scene, perhaps it was because I had known all along. Maybe I'd dreamed of it and that's why I'm still here, talking to him, his conscience at least, before he disappeared into Sora and I to... wherever it is we Nobodies go.

The clouds passed by overheard, assuring me that time was passing. I could feel the wind blow now, I could hear the people now. As I spoke to him, I gave him a glance. I was tired, and I could tell he was too. His eyes were weary, but it looked like he was done, finished with what he needed to do.

I gazed into his face, lost myself in his eyes and remembered everything. The original blank eyes that I made fun of, the fear of taking a bath, and the love he always forgot. I remember his betrayal, I also remember mine. I can't remember what he did to me, but I remember that it hurt. I remember the word "replacement" but I'm not sure what it means. I remember my name disappearing from the pages of his diary. I remember the new blank eyes that I saw; that probably hurt me the most. He didn't even remember who I was, not in his fabricated world.

Hey Roxas. Can you tell me how long forever is?

"You have a heart, don't you?" I asked him. I seem to be so full of questions now, but somehow, this question doesn't seem so new.

Roxas smiled and I think that answered it all. He said he wasn't sure, but I knew he did. Whatever though. I don't want to hear anymore. I don't need to remember anymore. I just need this moment and I'll be alright. We both will. No matter what happened before, all that matters is what happens right now. Just now. And that's all we'll need.

I handed him the ice cream I got from his WINNER stick, a well-deserved prize for him I'd say. Then we began to reminisce. I don't know why because I clearly remember telling myself I didn't need to remember. I just felt like it was right. If this is where our conversation led us, then so be it. He was wondering about his "friends"- those Twilight Town kids.

"You should go see them again, looking for your answer." I told him, smiling, though inside I was rather bitter. Why? Aren't I enough? Those kids were fake, lies told to you so you would be of use to the organization. No... I shouldn't be like this. I can't. They made him happy when I could only hurt him. Maybe it would have been better off for him to be more fond of them than of me... Hah... Didn't realize that'd hurt so much.

He gave me a soft laugh and replied, "Yeah... So I have to go. Sora's waiting for me."

Yes, I know that too.

I kept my smile up, waiting for the clouds to pass and the sun to fall, because when they do, you'll be gone and so will I. It won't be long before I won't even be able to talk to you like this, caught in the moment and lost in our shared memories.

"Yeah, I guess he is." I replied, taking a large bite from my ice cream.

And then there it was. I remembered. I remembered just as Roxas started to glow. I remember this dream. I really did see this coming before. I knew it so long ago and yet I continued to stay by his side. Am I fool? Heh... I wish I could say I would have gone a different route if I could, but I can't, because I wouldn't. I want this ending more than any other. Despite this being our true and final goodbye, I'm alright. Even if I no longer exist, he will, and I knew right from the start also, that Roxas wouldn't have the same ending as us because he was different in all sense of the word.

"See you, Axel."

"See ya, partner."

The two of us are engulfed in a sea of white and wisps of light swallowing us whole. Hey Roxas, I want to tell you something, something I should have told you a long long time ago. You may not be able to tell me how long forever is, and I may no longer be able to give you everything that I am, but... a long time ago, you told me you loved me. It's my turn now.

My eyes soften and I reach for Roxas, startling him a bit, but he doesn't flinch, but moves in closer instead almost on reflex, asking me with his eyes what I was doing. I push myself forward, losing feeling in almost all parts of my body, pushing my limits to what I can handle and kiss him lightly, hoping that he'll remember at least this.

_"I love you, Roxas." _ His eyes widen. I smile at his shocked face. He seems to have remembered something. I'm glad I finally said it.

And that's where our shared dream ends.

_"Hey, Roxas!"_

_"Yes?"_

Somewhere in the World that Never Was, Sora flinches as if he'd just snapped back to reality. Bewildered out of his mind, and unsure of his situation.

_"I like you Axel."_

_"You're not half bad yourself, kid,"_

Sora whipped his head around, examining his surroundings. "Did you guys see that?" Sora cried, trying to find that hooded keyblade wielder, but to no avail. Donald and Goofy stared at him funny as he seemed to be searching for an imaginary foe. "What?"

_"Up already?"_

_"I heard your footsteps."_

"What are you talking about Sora? We're the only ones here. We've been with you the whole time." The two replied. Was Sora going crazy? No way! He swore on his life that he just fought with someone! But... What? He was so confused...

_I want to love Axel._

_"He doesn't need to remember this."_

Sora frowned. Something was different inside him, but it was weird. He couldn't describe it. He placed a hand to his chest and frowned. What was it?

_"Promise me this." _

_"I promise you, Roxas. We'll be together forever. Forever and ever. A pinky promise, 'kay? I can't break this anymore, Roxas. Not a pinky promise. I promise you __this__."_

"You ready Sora?" Donald asked. Sora blinked. Yeah. He was alright. He was alright but...? No, he had a mission to do. He couldn't just stand here and idle the time away. He had to take Organization XIII down!

_"Axel? Was that wrong?"_

_"No, it's alright. The more the merrier, right?"_

Sora was about to run straight forward when he began to hear fluttering in the air. He paused a moment before glancing up, wondering if he really was going crazy. Then, from out of nowhere, a shower of papers began to fall from the sky like someone's last and final attempt to reveal a secret truth. Sora raised his hand to try and grab the nearest one.

_"Silly, just because YOU have a next life..."_

The brunette blinked, confused as to what it was at first, but then he began to read. The paper he had grabbed was burned around the edges and crumpled, but it was clear that it was flattened out again so that someone could read it. The text was written in blue ink and the handwriting was really messy, as if a 7 year old had written it. The entry was long, but the writing got better as the text continued, almost as if the person was finally remembering how to write properly.

_"Sora, you're lucky..."_

"Huh? Whatcha got there, Sora?" Goofy asked curiously, peering over the boy's shoulder to take a peek at the suspicious paper.

The paper began:

_Day one - Axel told me Saix wanted me to write in this diary. I'm not really sure what to write. Axel's my teacher. Saix is... Saix. I'm not really getting along with anyone._

Sora paused in his reading for a moment, feeling his chest clench painfully. He scanned the rest of the paper, catching a continuous set of words: I don't want to forget. Sora's eyes watered. He couldn't explain why, but the tears just started flowing from his eyes nonstop, refusing to give any reason to his sudden outburst. It was worse than when he was in Twilight Town at the train station. It was worse than when he lost Riku and Kairi. His heart was breaking everywhere, chipping and cracking until it didn't seem amendable at all.

"Sora?" Donald and Goofy exclaimed. "Hey! What's wrong?"

Sora fell to the floor, crouched in an agonizing position and still crying his eyes out. He crumpled the paper in his fist and sobbed even harder as he caught sight of another entry.

_Day six - Axel promised to be with me forever_.

Sora couldn't see anymore, he was barely conscious now, enveloped in the voices of the floating entries around him. Suddenly, it was no longer his voice echoing in his head, beginning a new and final entry.

_Day XXX - I saw Axel on the clock tower one last time. He told me he loved me. This is my final entry, so I'll ingrain this on my heart if I can't write it on paper. I've always loved Axel and he loved me. That is our final truth. ...Axel asked me once, how long was forever? I have an answer now. Forever... at least, for you and I, Axel... lies in the missing pages of my heart, of which lies your heart as well. As long as these pages and my conscience exist, you and I exist. That is our forever._

**MISSION COMPLETE**

**TA: So... This is sad but this is only the second story I've finished for Akuroku. XD; I feel pathetic. Well, tell me what you guys think! :D**


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